hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
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I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
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View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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