so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
