Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
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the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
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I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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