i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
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He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
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you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not