Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
birth control should be required to get into college
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.