I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.