i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
