he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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