he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
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