I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm too high and old for this...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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