Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
