Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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