There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
