I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
