Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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