I accidentally burped into my bong.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
