Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
