I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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