It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
