I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
