i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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