Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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