I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
No stitches, just platelets and will power
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
