I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
