I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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