guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
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It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
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Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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