You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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