I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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