The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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