i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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