Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
