I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
