so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
