well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
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And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
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I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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