im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
