I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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