he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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