what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
