She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
the liver wants what the liver wants
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
