Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
