I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize