i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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