There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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