I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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