Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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