Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
