Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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