I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
