Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
