Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
