omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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