Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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