Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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