if only i could text you this smell
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
