If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
