i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
