I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My dick has a subreddit
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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