after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
