I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
